Jess Quinn: The subtle art of being a good aunt

It’s funny when someone close to you has a baby, it changes your whole world dramatically. When my sister had Zadie six months ago, we were all so excited, and it’s brought us so much closer, which I didn’t even think was possible.

Zadie has become this anchoring point of our family, and it’s been so amazing to see my family step into their new roles – as a mother and as grandparents – and for me to step into the role of aunty. It’s really made me think about what that means – and how important aunts are when it comes to raising a child.

Both myself and my other sister really want to be fun, supportive aunts. I haven’t experienced motherhood for myself, but I know that as well as being rewarding and full of joy and meaning, it can also be a very lonely and emotionally challenging time for women. And so for me, the aunty role is about supporting and nurturing Zadie’s growth while providing relief, support and care to my sister.

I know from dealing with my cancer diagnosis when I was a kid that what you really want when you’re going through challenging times is that person who’s so close that you don’t need to tell them what you want or need; and who understands when you just need time and space. My mum was so good at that; she gave me such a strong foundation and was the perfect example of what support, and love, really means. She taught me so much by just being there and helping me through that time. Our relationship is so strong now because of it – and now Zadie is the next in line to get that support, from all of us. That’s pretty special. 

As an aunt, and as support for my sister, for me that might mean just being there so she can take a shower for as long as she wants, helping with things around the house, or cooking her a meal. It can also be making sure she that we get out and have some fun together too. Sometimes it’s just having another adult to add some normalcy into your life, to be funny and silly with. It’s just helping take that load off, in whatever form it takes.

Before the birth, I also stayed at my sister’s for a week and filled their freezer up with meals to last them a couple of weeks and bliss balls, cookies; just anything I could do to take that pressure off them, especially in those early stages! I guess that’s one of my love languages, that’s how I like to be helpful.

I’m also really mindful of not being too imposing. We know our boundaries in our family, but we do still try to not be too smothering. It’s important for my sister and her partner to navigate it on their own too – it’s a new stage of life for them, and they still want to be parents without having people around all the time. I’m just always open with my sister, and will just say, ‘hey, I’m free between this time and this time if you need me to come over, but no worries if not.’ It’s just about putting the ball in their court, and letting them know you’re there. Sometimes it can just be dropping coffees or some baking on their doorstep – I think those little things can make such a big difference if someone’s not feeling the best.

You don’t need to be a biological aunty to be an aunty, either. I’m ‘Aunty Jess’ to lots of my friends’ kids, and I still try and play that supportive role where I can. So many people don’t have the luxury of having family close by, and so that idea of it taking a village to raise a child takes on even more importance. It’s not that we have an obligation to look out for and support our friends’ kids, we all live busy and complicated lives of our own. It’s more that if we do find the time and space lean in to those networks, and we do come together as a community, then I think that can be so rewarding for everyone involved – not just the parents getting the support.

And for, Zadie, too, my sisters, mum and I are just trying to be the best role models for her that we can. Hopefully that comes through in our actions more than anything. But being an aunty is the best, and while I don’t do any of this because I’m looking for thanks, I think it’s so important for us to be able to acknowledge the role our aunts and our children’s aunts play in our lives too.