Dame Valerie Adams: Mums, don't forget to celebrate yourselves

Dear mums,

I’m writing this because I want to say: I see you out there. I know what you’re going through and I know what it’s like. I know you’re not acknowledged enough for not just creating this life, but for nurturing it too. It’s a lot of work. And I know that it sometimes feels like nobody understands the lengths you go to.

I feel like when it comes to mothers and their mental health and wellbeing, a lot of people assume that once you’re through the postnatal stage, and you’ve adjusted to this new life with your baby, that it just goes away. Like it’s all happy families, forever. And as my daughter turns three this month, I can tell you from experience: it’s not as simple as that!

I love my kids and my family more than anything in this world, and I know you do too. But that doesn’t mean motherhood is just a walk in the park – we’re constantly adjusting to this new life with our babies. We’re everything to everyone, all the time, and sometimes it can feel like we’re pouring from an empty cup.

I know that a lot of mothers have a hard time explaining, or even feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed by their children or their new life as a parent. For me personally, nothing prepared me for how tough it is to be a mum. It’s tougher than any training I’ve had to do, tougher than competing at the most elite level, tougher even than representing your entire country on the world’s biggest stages. It doesn’t even come close.

You’re dealing with this new life, saying goodbye to a lot of your freedom, and you have absolutely zero experience.  Mothers are constantly going through it. They deserve a gold medal after pregnancy, after giving birth, after looking after a waking baby night after night – it’s tough.

But guess what: you can do all of this. You can be a mum, raise kids, have a career, there is literally no limit to what you can do. And I think we need to remember that.

For me, I knew how important it was to get back to my professional career after having kids. I knew that I needed the sport I love in my life for my mental wellbeing, and because it would make me a better mum too.

If you decide to continue your career after having a baby, that’s 100% possible – you just have to believe in yourself and have the confidence to do your best in both jobs without feeling guilty. If you can go through the physical experience of having a kid, and then change your entire life to start raising this kid, and caring for it, with no experience…you can do anything you want to do in life.

And anyone who tells you otherwise? They ‘re wrong!

You are in charge of your destiny, and you are responsible for making sure you’re happy at the end of it. Life’s too short to give up your God-given talents because you’ve had a child. If anything, taking your child on that journey and letting them follow your example will enrich both of your lives even more. It’s about that balance – giving them the time and care they need, but also giving yourself the time and care you need.

We’re lucky to live in a country with strong female role models, who have had kids and shown what mothers are capable of. I know not all mums are going to want to just dive back into a job or a career, and that’s fine. We’re all driven by different things. And I know all mums have totally different circumstances, opportunities and support networks.

But this isn’t just about going back to a job – it’s about making sure you do whatever you can to find time for you, and the things you love doing. It’s about taking those small steps to help you become the person you want to be, not just the mum you need to be for your kids.

For me, it was a dream come true to continue to be an athlete after I had my first baby and now I’m back here doing it again after my second baby too. And as my first turns three, it still feels like I’m dreaming.

Your dreams will be different, and that’s fine. Just make sure that the only person telling you what you can and can’t do is you. And remember that all of your children’s birthdays are also a celebration of you: who you are and what you’ve achieved. 

Your experience as a mother makes you a more capable, compassionate, experienced and formidable human being – not less. And don’t let anyone else tell you different, ever.

Arohanui,
Dame Valerie Adams